The Post

Dear Christmas,
I’ve been a bit annoyed with you this year; I’m not going to lie. I’ve put my time in with the retail penal colony so we are intimately acquainted, it’s true. But every year you seem to get worse and worse about waiting your turn in line with the other holidays. There is an order to things. The Seasons never push their way to the front of the drinking fountain line do they? NO! They wait in line in their proper order but it seems that you have this NASTY habit of cutting in line in front of Thanksgiving and now you’re edging in on Halloween too. Sweet Christmas, we know you’re the star, we know that you’re the reason people hit the gym for the first half of the next year and what keeps most families talking. We know this, just wait your turn all right? Thanksgiving is a nice kid, he doesn’t complain too much and requires fairly little in comparison, let him have his turn and stop shoving your way to the front. It’s downright wrong.

Happily wrapping (post giving thanks),
~Liz

Dear Firefighters of the Nation,
Firstly, I love you. How can I not? You’re the closest things we’ve got to superheroes and your stories make fantastic movies. I’m a fan. Truly. We just have to talk about one little thing… What is up with the Yosemite Sam Mustache trend? Is it part of all that fraternal initiation stuff? Because they’re just ridiculous. You’d think that you would want to minimize flammable parts of your person when you’re working so closely with, ya know, fire. So logistically they don’t’ make sense so I’m only left to assume that it’s a uniform or fashion thing. Now I’ve been reading vogue since I was 17 and let me tell ya, I can’t remember the last time I saw a mustache on ANY one of those models so it’s definitely NOT a fashion thing. Gentleman, they’re just silly. When Chino Hills was on fire and I was driving home from church and I saw a convoy of 6 fire engines the damsel in me thrilled a bit with the chance to gawk at 6 engines worth of lifesaving manliness but when EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU was mustache clad I wiped a tear from my eye and drove on. It was a bigger loss than the charred landscape. Please call a meeting and address this silliness at once. And pass out the razors at the door. I’ll get them donated if you need me to.

Eagerly yours,
~Liz

Dear Google Wizards,
Thank you so much for the new Gmail themes. My ninja setup brings me joy every time I open an email. It’s like a two-fer of happiness, an email and an entertaining ninja to enjoy it with. Every time. You make the world a better place. Seriously. I’m making you toffee as we speak. Love laced toffee.

Domestically yours,
~Liz

Dear Makers of the Twilight movie,
You tried. I really see that. You had fun. I see that too. It was horrible. Did you grow up in rural Utah and have nothing but Roadshow experience to call on for ambiance? Did you watch one too many After School Specials? Worship at the alters of You Can’t Do That on Television and The Mickey Mouse Club? Because ALL of those came to mind during my viewing. It’s a kid’s book yes, but a timeless story, you could have treated it with a bit more respect. Recast Jasper at least for New Moon. Incremental improvements are better than none at all.

Still getting the bad taste out of my brain,
~Liz

Dear Hugh Jackman,
I know you’re happily married and an amazing father and one of the single most talented and genuinely pleasant people in Hollywood, but will you marry me? Australia just cast into bronze my cemented devotion to every strand of your DNA. There truly is no other man for me. I know all the songs in Oklahoma too.

Awaiting your call,
~Liz