Thursday, January 31, 2008

Happy Fashion Pancakes

So I have more than a few feeds going into my Google Reader (one of the best inventions for bloggers evah) and one of them is the gloriously snarky Go Fug Yourself.
Now don't get the wrong idea -
It’s a conglomerate of some of my favorite things, complete with brown paper, packages and some strings - IE

sassy women
faux pas
celebrity fashion faux pas
80s TV references
and George

George is the Bastion of Fugmail. Every time he gets a post I not only draw looks from across the office with my stifled snorts, I get glares and the few inevitable "What?....."s. He's flamboyant wit at its best.

This is his latest addition to the Fugmail canon - it was so funny I felt the need to repost.
When Intern George isn't rubbing our feet, scrawling "Mr. George Fug Girls" on his Trapper Keeper, or peeling grapes that he then feeds us from a silver platter -- as we lounge on our chaises and swoon, "Dahling, WHITHER the fug today, I shall simply PERISH if Mischa Barton doesn't soon leave the house in a Value Village tee!" -- we sometimes let him answer our mail. And today, we decided to let him print some of his answers. We swear on all things holy (so, on George himself) that these are all VERY real e-mails we've received at GFY HQ, with names removed to protect the somewhat innocent.

E-mail #1

Subject line: Not Above The Law

This is to say paris your not above the law !!!!!YOur driving that way and more than one time is pathetic , you could of killed someone and hurt them very badly .Can ya deal with that ????Hope the law gives you the most penalty that can be given , you deserve it totally , no sympathy for you period . And there's no muff for your tiolet seat either , so enjoy that !!!!!!!Get it good !!!!Not a Fan !!!!!!!

Dear Friend,

Playing Sherlock Holmes for a second on this vague, veiled missive, I am sensing feelings of rich disdain. A very wise person once told me, "The sum of your feeling equals the number of exclamation points you use when you're in a wicked strop." Here's a hint: Her name started with "M" and ended in "other Teresa." I thought we'd topped the scale at 14, which were the number she used in a handwritten missive to me raging against the cancellation of Models, Inc., but your 23 push things into the next stratosphere. Such passion! My toes are curling, pet. And you're right, if there's one thing that scaly heiress needs, it's a tiolet seat sans muff. But that doesn't mean I can't knit one for myself...

Getting it good,

E-mail #2

Subject line: (none)

hey can u tell amanda bines to stay out of my garbage can thanx

Dear Friend,

I understand your concerns; Anne Heche was once in my garbage can for three weeks. It was awkward, but she wove me potholders out of my old Coffee Bean cups, so how could I begrudge her? I urge you, put on your empathy pants and consider things from your visitor's perspective: Did it ever occur to you there might be a reason Amanda Bynes is in your garbage can? Maybe she was just passing by, and lost an earring. Maybe you threw out a sweater she thought would make a great piece for her clothing line. Maybe she's rooting around to try and find your Social Security Number so that she can steal your identity and run off to Fiji to escape memories of Sydney White. Gosh, maybe she saw an intergalactic wolf-sprite peeking out at her, begging her to return with it to another galaxy and save the world by spawning a new civilization with Andy Dick (although I've heard that before, ahem, ANNE, and it didn't happen, so tread carefully if Amanda tries that old chestnut).

My point is, stretch out your arms and embrace the unknown -- in this case, the reasons a Hollywood starlet is standing on your lawn nape-deep in your trash. There is nothing a hug of curiosity can't answer. But bring noseplugs if you ate fish recently.

Feeling whiffy,

E-mail #3

Subject line: words "Go Fug Yourself" sure is a fashion reject

the words "go fug yourself" sure is a a verbal fashion reject. it has very BAD connotation. you probably thought you were oh so cute, but it is a blight on the culture. here you are, pointing out the errors of others, with a blattant business name that is depressing and demeaning.

Dear Friend,

It is? It does? Bless, you sweet peach of knowledge -- I learn so much from reading the GFY e-mail. For instance, I only found out the other day that Britney is just like the rest of us, and that Hilary Duff needs her head shaved by someone who cares. But consider me your knight in shining tuxedo. Once I explain this to the girls, we'll have a renaming summit, going for something that really sends out positive vibes. We'll get all the best cuddle-monkeys in the business together -- David Cassidy, Faye Dunaway, that Verizon guy... It's going to be magnificent. Gird your loins, Officer Sweetpea of the Reject Police, because it's going to set them aflutter and the ensuing round of hugs will shake the smog layer clean out of Los Angeles.,

E-mail #4

Subject line: hi

I am interested in know an famous people do you can help me ? Thanks

Dear Friend,

I can do better than that. I can hold you. I can sate your thirst, and sup on your elixir of yearning for some celebrity sparkle. My name is George. I wear many hats, but my most cherished is the Intern headdress strapped to my grateful cranium every time I get to man the bar at GFY HQ. I cherish sarcasm, pigs, human rights, and silk pillowcases. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can whiff the world, and it smells like truffles. Hugs are my kryptonite but also my moisturizer. Feel this. Know me. Let's buy each other dinner and then watch it get cold, to remind us that the piece of our hearts we gave to one another lives somewhere else.
I must go. Celebrity Apprentice beckons like a post-coital sandwich.

You're hired,
Rock on George -
Rock on

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Wednesday Giggles

So I have two offerings of hilarity today -
One being this pic of my usually collected and suave cousin who lets out his inner Michaelangelo periodically.

And the other being a video from one one of our favorite comedians -

Monday, January 28, 2008


Miracle [mir-uh-kuhl]
noun -
When 3 guys, a cousin, and two adorable girlfriends show up at your packed and divided apartment at 9 am on a Saturday, get a moving van loaded, half unloaded to pack a storage unit, the rest unloaded at your destinaton including two refridgerateors moved and be sitting down at lunch with no one feeling particularly exhausted 4 hours later.

Lame [leyme]
adjective, noun, verb -
When you drive 45 minutes in the rain (after moving that morning) to a very cool joint in Glendale to see your friend's band that you haven't seen in like a year and find out that their car broke down and they didn't even make the gig.

Perk [purk]
verb -
The other bands at said joint (ie The Scene) were very good and it was a good, chill, clean music hub.

Cute [kyoot]
adjective, (cut·er, cut·est) adverb, noun -
When a guy you've passed a few times in church and had some pleasant banter with who is well dressed and very well mannered randomly calls you to see if you're going to FHE (which you aren't in the habit of doing), you politely says no but he says "see you there" anyhow.

After you don't show up he randomly calls again, this time on Friday night asking to hang out or catch movie, so slightly impressed you say yes and you end up in a crowded movie theater seeing Juno from the second row. You can't stop laughing at the situation because the two ladies sitting next to you cannot stop talking (very loudly) about the movie and are wondering (very loudly) about the plot that is very obvious that they were (very loudly) completely not getting and you can't help but notice how every time someone comes on screen their nostrils are the size of basketballs. However, at one point one of your favorite Sonic Youth songs (the Carpenters cover one) comes on and you both turn to each other and say (very quietly) "oah - this is one of my favorite songs".

On Sunday at church he comes up to you and says "I have a present for you" and pulls out a copy of the Juno Soundtrack (that you had plans to buy later on in the week anyway).

And you haven't listened to much else since.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

More than the Sum of Our Parts

So I've looked back on my blog and I've realized its become the nutritional textual equivalent of the Sweet Factory at the mall -

I've had a number of things on my mind that I've discussed with whatever obliging person around me I've found (even some nice strangers at the car wash) but I've yet to make a blog type presence about any of it.

I'm coming from a number of places with this particular subject and I'll try to do them justice and not go off and off and off at the same time but I'm not promising anything.

Ok - Place #1

I openly flash my membership card to Geekdom and frequently it would seem. Sometimes it comes out in Harry Potter debates at the Border's checkout counter and sometimes I get lit about Nova. This is a case of the latter.

Just the other night Mom and I tuned into this particular Nova that I found interesting and slightly disturbing, but not because of the people they were studying.

In rural Turkey there is a family of 21. 19 children born of two first cousins who married. 5 of these children haven't learned how to walk on two legs, they need their hands too. The other 14 are perfectly fine. Forgetting the fact that two cousins have married and multiplied *shudder* this family has drawn international attention from the Scientific Community thinking that these siblings (now adults from 19-24 years old) have DNA that could be evidential of an evolutionary ancestor that was quadrupedal.

There are three main things (scientifically speaking) that differentiate humans from the rest of the animal kingdom; bipedal locomotion, language, and brain size. There have been modern cases where defective genes have been isolated and identified with diseases pertaining to cases of language deficiency and abnormally small brain size, but none have ever surfaced regarding quadrupedal locomotion so the scientist types are all over this one.

There are a number of reasons they think this is a genetic thing. One of the many being the reason we can walk on two legs and not four is because of our fantastic sense of balance. This is because of our unusually large cerebellum. Brain scans of all of the siblings have revealed a very small one.

And they went on and on and on about all of these phenotypes that would paint a picture of a quadrupedal ancestor and they also presented a lot of evidence that in the case of the siblings that something else; bone structures etc. They had neurologists and psychologists come in and test these siblings and lets just say they aren't playing with a full deck. See, a typical strand of DNA has defective genes all over the place. The plus with how the system is set up is that we get 2 pairs of genes (one from mom and dad) and the best of the two are what is phenotypically manifested. Since two cousins married they would have similar copies of faulty DNA and therefore their kids would manifest the "mutated" genes more easily. Yadda yadda yadda -

Have I lost you yet? There is a point to all of this - I swear.

That should be on the channel 7 news - of course these siblings aren't playing with a full deck! Their gene pool is about as deep as left over bath water.

Out of all of the scientists they interviewed there was one (1!!) that made the suggestion that it was a matter of environment and not genetic disposition that had to do with this particular case. Hes an Anthropologist, not a geneticist mind you. He was the seemingly stuffy, white haired, Cambridge scholar that actually WENT to Turkey and met these siblings. He suggested, and I agree with him, that because this mother had these children so quickly (7 in 5 years) there wasn't time to help them progress from a baby bear crawl (which is very common) and the close siblings followed suit. Them living in the rural isolated place they do, it simply escalated with time.

He insisted that the environmental factors must carry just as much weight as genetic dispositions and never to underestimate the human spirit portion of Modern Humans. Genes are the scaffolding but they are not the building. I found his commentary so comforting and completely in line with my own, unschooled, theories. He said that if this case had happened in an area less rural these children would have been singled out and given therapy if they weren't walking by age 4 and by 5 or 6 they would have been perfectly bipedal.

Putting away the genetic pokers and pipettes, he and an empathetic Turkish psychologist, installed a few simple things at the house to help them strengthen their muscles and practice walking on two legs, even in their maturity (walkers, parallel bars etc) and they went back a year later and all of them were vastly improved.

These siblings aren't victims of their DNA, their parent's imprudence perhaps, but not their genome. I find it SOO frustrating how people are so apt to give in and give up who they are to a set of amino acids and looks for solutions in a syringe or a pill. Whats more is that the scientific community lets them. And since Society gives Science carte blanche for credibility more times than not, this mentality evolves into "fact" and sad prejudice.

This carte blanche is another thing - I read this other article that just amazed me but this post is mighty long so I guess I'll divvy this particular set of thoughts up I think.

Till next time then

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Wednesday Giggles (addendum)

This has also been a constant snicker source for the last week or so that I felt the compulsive need to share. Its happy and excruciatingly entertaining.

Wednesday Giggles

Hes still one of my favorites ever ever ever.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


I think I really need to marry Steve Colbert.

If we all had these kind of negociating skills the world would be a much better place.
And he pulled it all off in a suit no doubt.
One word. Hotness -

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Journey to the Past

So now that I'm an official degree holding member of the Literature Legion I've been looking back on the number of books that I've "read" through my education and I find that I can barely remember who wrote what and my general emotional reaction to the work. Site content or or characters or governing metaphor? Forget it.

So I have these precious 9 months (well 8 now really) being totally and completely assignment free so I've decided to use this time to revisit the books that I've read, or "read", or should have read to equip myself for whats coming and what I'll be expected to know in grad school. I'm hoping I'll be able to see them with new eyes since I'm a bit older and have a little bit more of an education. Who knows, I may even like them this time around.

The list I've put together so far

Tom Sawyer
Huck Finn
The Lord of the Flies
Catcher in the Rye
The Great Gatsby
The Grapes of Wrath
Invisible Man
Things Fall Apart
A Tale of Two Cities
Great Expectations
To Kill a Mocking Bird
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
The Red Badge of Courage
The Scarlet Letter
The Sound and the Fury
The Return of the Native
Of Mice and Men
Cry, the Beloved Country
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Les Misarables

I know there are a good number of ones not mentioned so if you have other suggestions or memories of high school English Class lemme know, or if you've read one of these books and it really is a horrific downer warn me. I'm off to Borders.... *da-ta da-ta da-ta*

Monday, January 14, 2008

Year in Review

So since I've read Rachel's year in review I've been thinking about my own and its been a doozie so I think I better make some kind of record.

- Found out my Nana had been diagnosed with cervical cancer when out to a birthday dinner with Patrick. That was a sober bowl of humus.
- Went to Lady Sinatra's Album Release Party in Hollywood
- Attended an EPIC 12th Night feast a la NaToya
- Discovered the beauty of Walt Whitman in my American Lit class. Was moved to tears for the first time in my life by a poetry reading in said class by my professor (a solider still on active duty) reading Whitman.
- Read Crime and Punishment for the first time all the way through
- My best friend locked her California door for the last time and got on a plane for Kansas. Without her ruby slippers even.

Started volunteering at the Community Literacy Center CalPoly runs in downtown Pomona
- SAW WICKED with Jeanne for her birthday and oh what a joyous day it was!
- Completed my 6th year home from my mission (on my unbirthday even)
- Learned how to crochet - that was a landmark day. Thank you Katie. I owe you much much much.
- Nick got the news back that he needed to drop weight for the mission so we started our work out extravaganza 3x a week.

- Went to Tuscon with my WHOLE family for an impromptu family reunion for my Nana's 80th birthday and for a chance to say goodbye because the doctors types only gave her 6 months (shes still kickin btw - they lied).
- Went to a killer bender of a Chinese karaoke St. Patrick's day extravaganza and tore up the mic with Nicole. Will I forget the image of my favorite Asian buddies sake laden with leprechaun hats and a microphone? Nay Who rocked the Lisa Lobe options? Yours truly, and I can't even begin to tell my love for the looping Taiwanese videos of a pensive girl walking through gardens and blowing bubbles with random images of amphibians edited in between. It was sheer poetry.
- Disneyland Trip #1
- Visited the bestest friend ever in her beautiful brand new Kansas home. There I: went to BassPro Shops and met Bubba, Discovered Famous Dave's BBQ's on tap sasparilla (new levels of yum), saw the house my mother was born in, taught Tracy how to crochet, and went through a tornado warning, but mostly played with the nephew type.
- Went through the temple with Hannah on her first time through. That was a magical day.

- The other nephew type Kegan turned 4
- Went to the Getty Villa for the first time since the remodel with my Fam and LOVED it
- Had to suffer through reading Gulliver's Travels
- Read all of The Inferno for the first time
- Decided to bike the south coast of Ireland in Oct 2008

- Staged a surprise retirement dinner for old Student Government Advisor at Citrus College. We got about 200 of his former students gathered at Pomona Valley Mining Company and pulled one over on our professor. It was one of Adrienne's finest moments I think.
- That same weekend my old bunch of Citrus buddies all came in for the dinner but we had our super friend's reunion. Tracy flew in from Kansas, Fred's car broke down on his way down from Tahoe and he sold it to the demolition derby and took a greyhound to LA. Cavanaugh drove in from Utah, Eric drove in from Vegas and we stayed up all night talking about life, the universe, everything like we did every Thursday night 9 years ago when we were students on the ASCC and didn't have a care in the world or anything much better to do. It was a beautiful, awesome, fun filled night.
- Had Mother's Day Tea at the Huntington with Wendy-bird and our multiple moms.
- Donated a 20" 3lb ponytail of my hair to Locks of Love and started sporting and adorable A-line bob cut (that I still have).
- My friend James came to visit and introduced me to Frank Caliendo (the comedian).
- Caught the Keane show at the Universal Amphitheater despite the Griffith Park fire that moved the show from the Greek to Universal. It was mind blowing. Nicole and I participated in much screaming. The third row at a show like that is a lovely thing indeed.

June (ie Summer of Concerts)
Spent an AWESOME weekend in Phoenix with some of the best cousins ever, Rich and Janelle. It was sleepless fantastic time. I wub them, and road trips with The Nick are always epic.
- Saw John Mayer at the Hollywood bowl with the timeless Nicole and had a true parking adventure that was concluded with missing all 3 openers (that we wanted to see) and half of John's set, parking 4 miles away and having my knight of a Cousin Patrick shuttling us there and back. He is a king among men to brave Bowl traffic in the middle of the night.
- Went to an acoustic set Mellowdrone was putting on that the Roxy with Patrick and caught one of their openers, Gliss. Fell in love and got an awesome Mellowdrone experience too. Yay for reserved tables and waitress that charge you alcohol prices for Diet Cokes.
- Tracy came back into town for a wedding and I got to see my Alex again and have a party or three at her parent's place. It was a bit of a flash back summer too. I practically lived there when I went to school at Citrus but haven't been back for years.
- Went to the Nikki Forrova show at Club 41 in Santa Monica

- Book 7 of Harry Potter came out. I borrowed Nicole's kid Rosie (who I lovelovelove), dressed her up and took her to the festivities.
- Bought Book 7
- Finished Book 7
- Openly wept at Book 7
- Mourned the loss of Harry because of the conclusion of Book 7
- Saw Fall Out Boy at the Pond, or Honda Center, or whatever With Jeanne and Nicole and Nicole's sister Mary. Reminded myself why I don't got to concerts at the Honda Center. The place is shaped like a massive Kleenex box and you can't hear a thing. I decided Andy is the hottest member of Fall Out Boy, yay for drummers. We had a guy in front of us that was sitting with his daughter that had a shirt that had a skeleton of a dog that said "In dog years I'm dead". It cracked us up through out the show. I still have the picture in my phone.
- My brother Jonathan came to visit for a whole week. It was heaven to be with Nick and Jonathan for a whole week straight. We all took one too many trips to The Hat and not enough to the beach. I miss him. I miss both of them. A lot
- Kidnapped my friend's kid and took her and Nicole and Rosie to the Getty Villa.
- Decided to apply to Grad School

- Went to Nashville to visit Lisa and met Jonathan's girlfriend April for 30 seconds during a 6 am layover in Salt Lake.
- Turned 29
- Saw Sunshine at the Arclight with Patrick and Nick. Its one of those change-your-life-flicks

figured out I was allergic to dairy
- Started my final quarter as an undergrad with the dreaded Grammar class with the Russian Nazi
- Jonathan announced his engagement and Feb 20th wedding date
- Jonathan moved up his wedding date to Nov 29th
- Had roses delivered to work for the first time for me. I truly do have the best best friend ever.
- had an impromptu trip up to Arrowhead with Rachel and Hannah (two of the best car ride buddies ever. I think I just laughed most of the time.) and happened upon an Oktoberfest (complete with Oompah band and leiderhosen) and a pit stop at the local Masonic lodge.
- Became amazed, impressed, and inspired by Sis. Beck at the General Relief Society Meeting

- Salt Lake trip #1 - flew up for Conference and met the sister-in-law to be (for reals) and started to plan the wedding
- Volunteered at the Special Olympics with Rachel and Liz. We rocked those pompoms and rediscovered the fury of the sun and the concept of sunburn.
- Was a Winter Fairy for Halloween (thanks to NaToya's superior seamstress skills)
- Took the most traumatizing midterm of my life
- My blackberry died and I was lost for a few weeks
- Disneyland trip #2 - saw the Jedi Training Academy show and teared up. Really - I was moved. DON'T JOIN THE DARK SIDE KIDS!!!
- Got my house broken into and my computer stolen
- Nick got his mission call to the Raleigh North Carolina mission

- Saw Sister Beck speak at our tri-stake Relief Society Conference
- Salt Lake Trip #2 - Flew up to SLC for last minute prep for the wedding
- Went through the temple with Nick when he took out his endowments
- Salt Lake Trip #3 - this time for the actual wedding
- My brother gave me his MacBook
- Thanksgiving yummyness with a congenial big brother (that's a rather new development)

- Nick reported to the MTC and I openly wept for the first time in an airport
- went to the Streetlight Manifesto and Suburban Legends show at the Knitting Factory with Nick for his birthday on his birthday
- Graduated from college
- Took the GRE
- Finished Graduate School applications
- attended far too many Christmas parties and school concerts
- Packed up Nicole for Detroit
- Saw Mellowdrone at The Eco with Patrick and sited Michael Cera crossing the street with us
- decided to move back home to take care of the parental types
- somewhat caught up on sleep

Top 5 Movies I saw
5- King of Kong
4- Lars and the Real Girl
3- Elizabeth: The Golden Age
2- Amazing Grace
1- Sunshine

Top 5 Albums I fell in love with
5- Into The Wild Soundtrack
4- Gliss - Love the Virgins
3- Feist - The Reminder
2- Amy Winehouse - Back to Black
1- William Fitzsimmons - Goodnight

Top 5 Books I read
5- The Inferno
4- Crime and Punishment
3- Mara - Daughter of the Nile
2- Love is a Many Trousered Thing
1- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Top 5 things I will never do again
5- leave my kitchen window open
4- leave late for the Hollywood Bowl
3- visit the South during the summer
2- drop my blackberry
1- take a Grammar class

Top 5 things I'd do again and again
5- donate my hair
4- visit my best friend
3- go to any karaoke party my friend Eunice throws
2- let NaToya cook and/or make a costume for me
1- blog

So there it is. That's my 2007. Like I said, it was a doozie. And I must say, looking back, I'm amazed that I made it through in one piece, but I did. Yay for adventure, some good music, some good shoes, accomplishments, and feeling like you're living your life in one of the greatest places in the world.


Friday, January 11, 2008

What Do You Do?

What do you do when you've been so busy twirling inside the insanity of your little world that when you look up long enough to go to a friend's party to go help and they feel the need to change when you get there because "people are here" when before you weren't "people" at all?

What do you do when you look at a calender and admit that you are much older than you feel and literally all of your friends from high school now are nestled comfortably in 401Ks and SUVs?

What do you do when you just needed a job to get through school but you blinked and now you're a partner with the firm with your own key and alarm code and you're still looking for a better job almost every week?

What do you do when you realize you find yourself looking at your daily task list and prefer to do dishes over your supposedly glamorous and high tech work assignment that honestly bores you to new levels of oblivion?

What do you do when you see that glassy look of recognition and anxiety in a friends eye that you know has gotten an earful of gossip and you know by whom and the only thing you want to do is call it out and refute it but at the same time don't want to give any kind of attention to trite and mean spirited matters because they just canker whatever relationship they touch. So you just sit there, knowing that someone else has made you out to be "people" to someone you love and all you can do is hope in their better judgment but still keenly feel a loss and injustice?

What do you do when you feel the only person that truly knows you is someone you can never love?

What do you do when the only people that you have ever really loved haven't ever really known you?

What do you do when you find yourself finding emotional refuge in Children's Literature sections of bookstores and the fragrance section at Sephora because you feel pretty beaten up everywhere else you go?

What if the only thing you can see is where you've failed and how far you haven't come and then you feel guilty for not being properly grateful and pious for celebrating the distance you have come and the things you have achieved (cause there are a notable few) so you just end up coming up short all the way around.

What do you do when you inventory your list of worries and the only thing that comes to mind is your friend's father in surgery from a rolled over car accident or your friend's rocky marriage across the country or your little brother sitting in the MTC with a plane ticket in hand just hours away from jumping into the big, mean, scary, violent, gun toting world with a name tag, a testimony, and a luggage set to his name?

You pray and promptly put yourself to bed.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Wednesday Giggles

I'd would've given him the emmy after this take too-

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Monday, January 7, 2008

A Blessed Season

I know I just sent out an email to the Ace Gang but this news warrants blog posting happiness.

PBS has elevated themselves to the next level of celestial happiness and slated a showing of the entire Jane Austen collection via Masterpiece Theater excellence. Kallo kalay!

Oh happy day -
Here is the link for the schedules and DVR settings etc.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Wednesday Giggles

a little late again - I apologize. This holiday schedule has got me all wonky.

I'm glad someone is thinking about this.
Such as...
I'm pluckin proud to be a US American.
(as opposed to a Caribbean American)

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Dear Buddah, please bring me a toy gun and a plastic rocket

So I was in Borders yesterday.
I didn't mean to be.

I honestly have taken a vow never to shop on a holiday weekend. I don't like feeling like I want to punch everyone I see and regularly resisting the urge to ram down lines of people with shopping carts and projectiles in the form of my high healed shoes but I find myself regularly in that head space when I go somewhere during those specific hours. I need to live someplace less crowded, do some more yoga or find a different time to shop. Or all three.

But this was a dire situation.

I made the mistake of Netflixing only the fist disc of North and South and I simply couldn't wait three days for the second installment. I would die a luggers death of anxiety and suspense if I did. It was so gorgeous that I promptly went out and bought the film and the book for good measure.

(I've also [completely inadvertently] made the mistake of watching about 7 but British movies since Friday nearly all in a row so I'm humming with a bit of the Britty savor so forgive me in advance.)

But all of this is utterly beside the point.

The point is (though I am hopelessly in love with this film and this story and everyone on this planet should watch it once a week to have a complete and fulfilled life) that when in line for said articles I saw this.

I was excessively diverted but honestly left wondering at its veracity. And so, like I do, I went poking about via google and its true! There is a St. Vivenne and she is the Patron Saint of Hangovers. There is also St. Werenfried - Patron Saint of Stiff Joints, St. Roch - Patron Saint of Cholera, St. Dismas - Patron Saint of Death Row Inmates and many many many others.

(I'm not making this up - I swear)

I only got to D before I collapsed in amazed giggles and my biggest question was - is there an librarian employed at the Vatican exclusively for keeping all of this straight? Does he have his own office and wing? Its a bit along the lines of Jenna the goddess of Hairdos and Jeff the god of Biscuits isn't it? They're very serious about this and I don't intend to treat someones faith with contemptible levity at all - but it is a bit of a Nickelodeon cartoon carnival ride though - you must admit.

I wonder if they covered red noses, hang nails, bald tires, and ornery older brothers? Cause I could use some help there.