Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Post

Dear Christmas,
I’ve been a bit annoyed with you this year; I’m not going to lie. I’ve put my time in with the retail penal colony so we are intimately acquainted, it’s true. But every year you seem to get worse and worse about waiting your turn in line with the other holidays. There is an order to things. The Seasons never push their way to the front of the drinking fountain line do they? NO! They wait in line in their proper order but it seems that you have this NASTY habit of cutting in line in front of Thanksgiving and now you’re edging in on Halloween too. Sweet Christmas, we know you’re the star, we know that you’re the reason people hit the gym for the first half of the next year and what keeps most families talking. We know this, just wait your turn all right? Thanksgiving is a nice kid, he doesn’t complain too much and requires fairly little in comparison, let him have his turn and stop shoving your way to the front. It’s downright wrong.

Happily wrapping (post giving thanks),

Dear Firefighters of the Nation,
Firstly, I love you. How can I not? You’re the closest things we’ve got to superheroes and your stories make fantastic movies. I’m a fan. Truly. We just have to talk about one little thing… What is up with the Yosemite Sam Mustache trend? Is it part of all that fraternal initiation stuff? Because they’re just ridiculous. You’d think that you would want to minimize flammable parts of your person when you’re working so closely with, ya know, fire. So logistically they don’t’ make sense so I’m only left to assume that it’s a uniform or fashion thing. Now I’ve been reading vogue since I was 17 and let me tell ya, I can’t remember the last time I saw a mustache on ANY one of those models so it’s definitely NOT a fashion thing. Gentleman, they’re just silly. When Chino Hills was on fire and I was driving home from church and I saw a convoy of 6 fire engines the damsel in me thrilled a bit with the chance to gawk at 6 engines worth of lifesaving manliness but when EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU was mustache clad I wiped a tear from my eye and drove on. It was a bigger loss than the charred landscape. Please call a meeting and address this silliness at once. And pass out the razors at the door. I’ll get them donated if you need me to.

Eagerly yours,

Dear Google Wizards,
Thank you so much for the new Gmail themes. My ninja setup brings me joy every time I open an email. It’s like a two-fer of happiness, an email and an entertaining ninja to enjoy it with. Every time. You make the world a better place. Seriously. I’m making you toffee as we speak. Love laced toffee.

Domestically yours,

Dear Makers of the Twilight movie,
You tried. I really see that. You had fun. I see that too. It was horrible. Did you grow up in rural Utah and have nothing but Roadshow experience to call on for ambiance? Did you watch one too many After School Specials? Worship at the alters of You Can’t Do That on Television and The Mickey Mouse Club? Because ALL of those came to mind during my viewing. It’s a kid’s book yes, but a timeless story, you could have treated it with a bit more respect. Recast Jasper at least for New Moon. Incremental improvements are better than none at all.

Still getting the bad taste out of my brain,

Dear Hugh Jackman,
I know you’re happily married and an amazing father and one of the single most talented and genuinely pleasant people in Hollywood, but will you marry me? Australia just cast into bronze my cemented devotion to every strand of your DNA. There truly is no other man for me. I know all the songs in Oklahoma too.

Awaiting your call,


Rachel said...

I LOVE the fireman mustache. It makes me laugh like a loon.

And i also love Hugh Jackman. He is the dreamiest dreamboat of them all.

Kim said...

OH, come on, it wasn't THAT bad. If I were to recast anyone it would be Bella, or get her some coaching at least to bring out the dimensions a bit. Plus they had all that exposition, and not all that much in the way of budget... remember the first Harry Potter movie? Cheesefest!

And I don't know about your Hugh Jackman sentiment, but if Robert Pattinson were really Edward Cullen, he'd have given Aaron a run for his money. :P

Kim said...

P.S. I completely forgot to mention that I heart the Ninja theme for gmail as well, I swear earlier today my Stars in my inbox were NINJA stars... but I haven't been able to get them to come back. ;)

Ms. Liz said...

Rachie - the only reason mustaches exist is to induce laughter and I don't mind them on Midwest middle aged men in casinos that wear too much turquoise but when they ruin a decent gorgeous man I get a little bitter.

Kimbo - Yes. The movie was THAT bad. If you turn off all the filters and twitters you have in your heart about the book and go in expecting nothing you will come out with nothing. It was a bad bad movie. Bella drove me bonkers. Everyone did. The *only* one who didn't was Charlie of all people. And don't know about Hugh Jackman??! Do me a favor and check your pulse for me - I'm a bit concerned... really.

Viva la Ninja! The ninja stars only come about with the ninja theme. Its almost my favorite part of it actually.

Hannah said...

Ahahahaha! Twilight! I'm so glad we saw that together.

Ms. Liz said...

Me too Han. I don't know who else could have helped me conceal my laughter but induce it at the same time. Every time I see that biology scene I will think of you loosing it next to me.

Tracy said...

Have yet to see a mustache clad fireman in these here midwest parts... yet another reason for you to relocate.

I'll confirm & get back to you.