Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Acme Moments

Dear dead possum in the road with the two tire tracks,
What on earth did you do to deserve such a Looney Toons fate? I mean, your very existence is an insult to refined sensibilities everywhere, but your end is pretty much perfect. You are a disturbingly engorged rodent that serves little use in the universe aside of giving us all something to loathe. Oh sure you have some use aside of consuming oxygen -you provide a home for fleas and parasites and are a decorated bastion of the garbage pile. I'm sure you were top of your class at Old Lady Scaring 101 and Skulking 325 but as you saw those two speeding pieces of heavenly rubber we are not pleased and we do not recognize your Magna Cum Laude in Creepiness and Pestilence.

disgusted and loathing you,
Ms. E. Long

Dear driver who left perfectly centered tire tracks on the possum in the road,

Thank you.

Thank you so much for making me laugh like a laughing person at a laughing convention on my lunch today.

Thank you for not being intimidated by the horrible hiss or ratton tail of Mr. Ugly-Possum man.

Thank you for keeping your focus when your headlights hit those creepy iridescent eyes and thank you for having perfect aim.

The world is a better place today because of you.

admiringly yours,


Amanda said...

Who knew there was a National Opossum Society. I love that their name and a photo are at the top of the webpage, but then they proceed to have a quiz to discover what kind of animal they were talking about. Just fun!


Liz said...

You know, I've always wanted to see something like that... am I weird?

Heather said...

Haha--I'm so glad there's a NOS. I'm also glad it says "We must... remember that it's still nice to 'stop and smell the roses', and watch an occasional opossum waddle by." Ya, because that's the same thing.
I'm amazed that even after reading their site, and learning that they are far less offensive than other critters, I'd still run away from opossums because they are UGLY.

Ms. Liz said...

I read the website -
Very informative.
I still loathe them. Anything that has rows of teeth and hisses really isn't going to be a friend of mine. Ever.

Ms. Liz said...

and I will pray for those people who feel the need to have a National Society for them.