Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I'm Going to Explode

So I've been simmering for about 4 months on a particular issue and I've spoken about it candidly to a choice few but I am so fed up tonight I just have to write about it. I can't take it any more and I don't know how I'm supposed to survive the next few weeks.

Gossip travels so fast in a single's ward I wanted to cap it as much as possible but I'm emotional tonight and irrational and I realized that this is all a temporary situation but it is also VERY HARD for me and I need to vent and this is my blog so I get to talk. And the 5 people actually read it probably already know what I am talking about.

Sometime in the middle of last year I started casually seeing a boy. Let's Call him Lurpy. I wrote about a few realizations I had around Nov when things completely melted down here (read that first if any of this is going to make sense).

My heart still isn't bleeding. I'm just angry. Things have gone from bad to worse to worser to nearly a nightmare.

What happened when I "casually disclosed my feelings" was a night from a bad After School Special that somehow managed to harrow up every insecurity possible.


We're on our way to an outing with some friends. The night before (in front of another group, mind you) Lurpy owns the fact that he embarrassingly read a very stupid series of girly books to impress a girl, namely me. I'm thinking we might get out of second gear and possibly into third and this makes me happy all day. The night comes and he shows up with a very pretty, very unknowing, very non-member girl from school dressed in heals and practically in his pocket. I'm shocked. He gives no explanation, just comfortably looking couply with this lovely girl.

I'm weirded out and hurt the whole night. It was truly a terrifying Halloween. I'm hurting so much it totally numbed me in the moment and I can't fully wrap my mind around it for a few days.

I call him on it, ask whats up, hes all indefintion and excuses and gives me nothing concrete. Nothing at all. In fact he claims to be "confused". This boy is *never* confused. I finally say I'm unhappy because I like him and thought he had the taste and good sense to like me back and he shows up with his friend??! If anyone has a reason to be confused it's me. Once again. He has nothing to say.

Lurpy is supposed to go away. His schooling is supposed to take him far away and for a long time so I'm thinking "no biggie. It's all good."

He goes away for a few months, proceeds to do more passive aggressive damage from afar and offending my friends as well as me so that is the start of my hurt turning into seething anger.

We see each other after the holidays. He has nothing to say. So I think "OK - this guy is a waste of oxygen and testosterone and I need to just let it go." Which I still do - I know that.

But he started popping up at church with his friend from Halloween. She bravely came with out him a lot too. Turns out she was investigating and decided to get baptized. I'm sure she's the sweetest girl in the world but I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to her because every time I see her all I feel is the horror of that night and the bile of betrayal I felt, and still feel. Every time. Every Sunday. It's so horrible and I just get hurt and angry all over again. By the end of the week I've got it stuffed back in a box on the shelf but the second I see his profile my stomach knots up and all I want to do is hit something. Specifically him.

Everything was left so unsaid and so undone. He has this Fagin way of getting a girl to think ahead. To make promises without making them, to give the illusion of stability. Now this? Out of no where and for no reason? And then he left for months with nothing but cowardly silence in the meantime. I swore to myself that I would never be that girl and I would never give him the satisfaction of knowing that he got to me. And if he reads this blog and knows what the heck I'm talking about well then whatever.

I don't hate him because I never loved him. I just loathe him and am so angry that he figured out everything that could possibly hurt and unseat me and every insecurity I thought no one could see and he created a scenario that chimes and heralds every single one. It's like a custom emotional medieval torture gauntlet.

I thought time would make it better but its just making it worse.

I just got back from Institute and he was smugly there and all I wanted to do was beat him from the room.

I hate it. I hate this feeling and I loathe his diabolical talent for drawing out the worst in people and making it a reality. He is a dating Dementor. But I'm not afraid of him. All I want to do is smack him so hard he spits out a tooth and watch him drive away forever.

Is that too much to ask?

1 comment:

Kim said...

Dating Dementor is perfectly brilliant in every way.

Just remember that Lurpy is not all-knowing, nor does he give a rip whether you grow and blossom into the most beautiful woman you can be.

Heavenly Father, on the other hand, knows these things, all the hidden insecurities, and I would venture to guess that sometimes He uses situations like these to prune His beautiful little flowers...

So maybe think of Lurpy as fertilizer in this metaphor. He's just the crap that you needed in the moment to help you grow and develop. It stinks, and it's gross and even somewhat offensive, but in the long run, you will be better off for it and he'll long gone.

Love love love you, Liz!