Checking In

So it's been an excrucitatingly hard day and I just need to get these spiked ping pong balls of ideas out my head before my eyes cry themselves out and I move to Mumbai and sleep on the street and poke through the trash with the best of them. Heres a cross section of what's weighing on me:

I've been unemployed for one month as of yesterday.

I've received more "Thanks but no thanks" answers to applications in the last few weeks than I ever have in my entire life including the TeachingCorps that I had pinned a lot of hope on.

I'm fighting the echos of Garrison Keillor and his "Do you want fries with that?" take on the virtues of being an English Major

Me and the Governator need to have a stern talk. He and his lack of budget skills are complicating my 5 year plan.

If I'm going to get any instructional experience its looking like its going to be out of state and possibly China or S. Korea and that scares me because being American and abroad isn't exactly very smart right now.

My loathing for Mormon Culture and understanding of how diametrically different it is from The Gospel of Jesus Christ grows almost daily (detailed blog to follow). However, people have fairly small lives I'm learning. Insomuch that they get significantly buttered about me creating snarky Facebook Groups and it makes me giggle.

I think I need to keep a notebook of how worse things could be because I hate feeling like this.

I think reading me some Steinbeck could help with that too.

A fairly significent ex (who I am still good friends with) is getting married on April 11th and wants me to come and I'm not sure if I want to. I don't see how it can be a plesant experience. Either the bride will be prettier than me and I'll feel like utter trash the whole time or I'll feel prettier than her and turn into a diva and hate myself for it later. But I'll hate myself, like, for forever if I'm too chickensauce to go. I'm happy for him. I really am. I'm just not sure if its enough to win over my my pride and selfishness. Don't worry - I'm going to go! I know I have to. How can I not? It's just going to be very VERY hard for me. And theres a good chance I'll bitterly weep the whole time for myself. This is a serious cross roads for me. I'm serious. And I have no idea how to prepare for something like this. I would seriously prefer the Spanish Inquisition the more I think about it. But it is what it is.

I'm begining to wonder if there is any honor in an undistinguished life and if I'm doomed to such.

I'm pretty much addicted to this song

This world is really really mean and people pretty much don't care and it's painful. Dreadfully horrible painful.

A Blessed Season

I know I just sent out an email to the Ace Gang but this news warrants blog posting happiness.

PBS has elevated themselves to the next level of celestial happiness and slated a showing of the entire Jane Austen collection via Masterpiece Theater excellence. Kallo kalay!

Oh happy day -
Here is the link for the schedules and DVR settings etc.

Stars and Tards

So the last 72 hours has moved me to give out some awards. It’s been an exceptional time for me and some of the key players deserve recognition.

Ladies and Gentleman!!!

I give you my Stars and Tards Awards

STARS

552,448 BIG Gold Stars to: My Brother

I don't think a Superman cape and John Williams theme music would do justice to the contributions he has made to my sanity. Not only did he perform like a champ when I came to the house after work looking to have a good cry with my mother after my midterm trauma only to find her out and on a date with my father. So he got to catch his sister in a very rare 30 minute long ugly cry break down of weeping and gushing emotion and frustration and he met it with grace. After a few cups of tea and telling me that he'll never stop loving me even if I do become the meter maid that my Grammar teacher is bent on reducing me to. But a few hours later he left the comforts of his Elder's quorum Halo party to come be with his sister who was sitting alone in her broken into and rampaged apartment and needed a computer because some thieving douche bags had stolen hers (along with some checks, a bank card, some jewelry, and the extra keys to her apartment and car, not to mention sense of security). So 16 minutes later he showed up, laptop in hand with cords slung around his shoulder like the Do-Gooding warrior that he is and stayed with me as the police dusted my place for finger prints. Then when he was exhausted he still made sure I made it to the Parent’s all right, pumped up my air mattress and made sure I had clean pillow cases. Yay for being related to a Strippling Warrior.

550, 258 Gold Stars to: My Parents
for busting out every ounce of affection and comfort their sleepy and devote hearts could give within in seconds of "Dad - don't freak out. I'm ok - I just wanted to tell you I'm spending the night here. Yeah - see...." including a massive Mary Tyler Moore Finale group hug to stop the tears and restore some kind of security in my life. My mom had me giggling within 15 minutes and my dad was online ordering me a new Dell. They are rockstars in every sense of the word. Dad even knew to have flowers and Tofutti Cuties ready the next day.

1,258 Gold Stars to: Neighbor man Brett
for 1) being born 2) being my neighbor and 3) replacing my locks because Maintenance Man was out of town and Apartment Manager Lady was freaking out even though he had plans to go to the Getty and treated me to Peruvian food with the guilt money Apartment Manager Lady gave him for doing Maintenance Man's job. Few would step up to the task. Thanks for helping me start to piece my sanity back together. And for the pollo saltado.

857 Gold Stars to: Officer Garcia and his Partner
For eventually showing up at my place and taking everything so seriously and properly dusting for prints and being so patient with my I’ve seen too many cop shows and still secretly want to join the FBI attempt at criminology vernacular as I answered their questions – “well I think this was the point of entry”… And thank you for coming back when I noticed something else and taking all of it seriously then too. Giving me your cell phone numbers so I wouldn’t have to go through dispatch again was also very considerate. I’m glad you’re both on The Force. Seriously. Not a single Hot Fuzz quote came to mind.

514 Gold Stars to: Liz W
For being thirsty and being up, hearing voices, seeing the police patrolling my place, and being worried about me. It meant a lot. I love having neighbors that are friends as well. I still might take you up on that air mattress offer if my imagination gets the best of me a night or two.

300 Gold Stars to: Kimbo
For not even blinking an eye or finding out what happened before she offered me a TV in case mine was stolen and just being a generally amazing person.

174 Gold Stars to: Nastia
For spending the night at my place with me and helping me party like its 1999 and letting me forget about the trauma of the previous 36 hours

175 Gold Stars to: NaToya and the rest of my Fellow Season Fairies
For having one of the awesomest Halloween parties EVER!!! And especially Toya for slaving away for the last 3 months to design, make, embroider, fit, refit costumes, make wings, do hair and make up and still have homemade chocolate chip cookies to boot, a DJ to jam out to and the capacity to help me forget my problems for tick. Where did I get such amazing friends? I really have no idea sometimes.

100 Gold Stars to: Apartment Manager Lady
For letting me park in her parking spot till I feel safe parking my car in its old spot and for being properly concerned for me. It’s all very comforting.

TARDS

450,000 Tard Smears to: The Douche Bags who broke into my apartment on Friday night
I’ve been thinking a lot about this award and carefully considering my reasoning. All of you have been on my mind a lot. I want to let you know that a lot of my prayers are going with this award. I have been praying for all of you almost as much as my family. Mainly to keep myself from being consumed in anger and fear and because the One I serve had told me that’s what I need to do in these kind of situations and I think, for the first time, I understand why He takes that spin on things. I really pity all of you. I almost want to meet you and talk to you. I want to know what kind of pain you deal with that has driven you to drug addiction, anger and violence. No one should have to suffer all of those things at one time. Or even one at one time. So you all get a heaping helping of Tards because you did break into my home and steal my computer along with every paper I’ve written in college and 8 chapters of my book that I don’t have hard copies of. Those are all things I can’t replace and will miss very much. But I truly want all of you to get help. I want all of you to find someone in your life to love you and something to keep you from feeling like you need to invade people’s lives to get money to get high to escape from your own. If they catch you I will come down to the station because I want to look into your eyes and say I forgive you, because I do. I am still praying for all of you. And also praying that you lost my car keys during the get away and I don’t need to worry about that any more.

1003 Tard Smears to: The circumstance that took the Police 1.5 hours to get to my house when I couldn’t touch or do anything but still had to stay there and look at the invaded heap my home had become
Enough said. Lame. Extremely uncool.

500 Tard Smears to: My Grammar teacher
For being so psychologically damaging to me that I am STILL more concerned about my midterm than anything else that happened on Friday.