The Post

Dear Sweet Charles,

Welcome to this crazy place we call Earth. You're perfect and adorable and I promise to do everything I can to keep you that way for as long as possible. You're only 5 days old but I can tell you're a Long through and through. You have dark dramatic eyebrows, are the Alpha Male of the NICU, have charmed all the nurses, eat like a Viking preemie, don't over fuss at all, and can recognize and love your mommy and daddy like none else.

Loving you more than life,
Auntie E

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Dear Obnoxious State of Utah,

I am always leery coming here. I get stir crazy after a few days but your amazing scenery and super low gas prices keep me interested. Coming here was a bit of a necessity with all the recent medical fireworks resulting in a new person but did you have to require the sacrifice of my wallet to see my nephew?! I mean really, I'm pretty dang broke as it is being unemployed and such. Now you have to complicate my life with keeping me here sans drivers license, cash, temple recommend or social security card??? Really - really. Is this kind of harassment necessary? I don't think so. I'd really like to call a truce with you you know. Its exhausting thinking so poorly of some place like I do of you but you're hardly giving me reason to do otherwise. If it wasn't for the people that I love living here I'd sharpe you RIGHT off my map!

not your friend,
~Ms. Long

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Dear T-Mobile,

I'm leaving you as soon as I see an opening. You've let me down once too often and at the least opportune times. Your phones are not cool, current, or functional most of the time. You still use SIM cards in a PSP world. Why don't we just use two flags and a flashlight for Pete's sake??! You're fired, that's just the long and short of it and do both of us a favor and do not use me as a reference.

barely keeping my middle finger to myself,
~ Ms. Long (but you can call me Ms. Thang)

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Dear Big Sur,

I am hopelessly and irrevocably in love with you. I know that this comes and a rather inopportune time seeing how our reckless state legislature can't manage to find their ass with two hands and a floodlight much less budget enough money to make sure that the State Parks stay open for the world to know the joy that is you. I'm embarrassed and shocked on their behalf because the world should see and sing your beauty. I will never be the same after seeing you, smelling you, feeling the sunshine that only you seem to be able to produce. Life is simpler in your company and I feel more alive. You will never be rid of me. I will be back as often as my cattywampus life allows me to be.

Yours ever after,
Liz


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Dear Bad Dreams,

You're a new addition to the three ring circus that I've come to refer to as "my life". I don't know if you're a derivative of the surprisingly violent anime my brother said I "had" to watch but I don't enjoy watching and hearing my friend's necks crack, break, and watching them die. I'm sure my friend Brett would not enjoy the experience either so lets just have a parting of ways right now. I haven't seen someone die in a dream and Brett would never go gallivanting around on construction equipment and let himself be mangled by said equipment. Either way just please see yourself out. I have quite enough to worry about and I don't want to wake up screaming ever again.

waving goodbye,
~e

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Dear Michael Jackson,

Where to begin...

I am so so so sorry that your life had the finish it did. You are better than that and you left behind some adorable children that truly love you. It's just not OK. It's true you had a tragic life and operated in a paradigm that was pretty far removed from the rest of us. No one really understood you much, including yourself I think. I really enjoyed the music you gave me though. Its the soundtrack for a good portion of my life and I remember being honestly inspired by "Man in the Mirror" and honestly horrified by "Thriller". I still can't watch it without flinching. You did some truly amazing things and were a one of a kind. I'm sorry it ended the way it did.

respectfully,
~e

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Dear Elizabeth,

Will you PLEASE get married soon to someone who has a modicum of stamina and virility. I'm dying of boredom over here and you don't exactly age backwards. Get to work woman!

Impatiently,
Your uterus

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Dear Wallet,

I miss you. Please come back to me soon.

still weepy,
~e

Checking In

So it's been an excrucitatingly hard day and I just need to get these spiked ping pong balls of ideas out my head before my eyes cry themselves out and I move to Mumbai and sleep on the street and poke through the trash with the best of them. Heres a cross section of what's weighing on me:

I've been unemployed for one month as of yesterday.

I've received more "Thanks but no thanks" answers to applications in the last few weeks than I ever have in my entire life including the TeachingCorps that I had pinned a lot of hope on.

I'm fighting the echos of Garrison Keillor and his "Do you want fries with that?" take on the virtues of being an English Major

Me and the Governator need to have a stern talk. He and his lack of budget skills are complicating my 5 year plan.

If I'm going to get any instructional experience its looking like its going to be out of state and possibly China or S. Korea and that scares me because being American and abroad isn't exactly very smart right now.

My loathing for Mormon Culture and understanding of how diametrically different it is from The Gospel of Jesus Christ grows almost daily (detailed blog to follow). However, people have fairly small lives I'm learning. Insomuch that they get significantly buttered about me creating snarky Facebook Groups and it makes me giggle.

I think I need to keep a notebook of how worse things could be because I hate feeling like this.

I think reading me some Steinbeck could help with that too.

A fairly significent ex (who I am still good friends with) is getting married on April 11th and wants me to come and I'm not sure if I want to. I don't see how it can be a plesant experience. Either the bride will be prettier than me and I'll feel like utter trash the whole time or I'll feel prettier than her and turn into a diva and hate myself for it later. But I'll hate myself, like, for forever if I'm too chickensauce to go. I'm happy for him. I really am. I'm just not sure if its enough to win over my my pride and selfishness. Don't worry - I'm going to go! I know I have to. How can I not? It's just going to be very VERY hard for me. And theres a good chance I'll bitterly weep the whole time for myself. This is a serious cross roads for me. I'm serious. And I have no idea how to prepare for something like this. I would seriously prefer the Spanish Inquisition the more I think about it. But it is what it is.

I'm begining to wonder if there is any honor in an undistinguished life and if I'm doomed to such.

I'm pretty much addicted to this song

This world is really really mean and people pretty much don't care and it's painful. Dreadfully horrible painful.