Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Checking In

So it's been an excrucitatingly hard day and I just need to get these spiked ping pong balls of ideas out my head before my eyes cry themselves out and I move to Mumbai and sleep on the street and poke through the trash with the best of them. Heres a cross section of what's weighing on me:

I've been unemployed for one month as of yesterday.

I've received more "Thanks but no thanks" answers to applications in the last few weeks than I ever have in my entire life including the TeachingCorps that I had pinned a lot of hope on.

I'm fighting the echos of Garrison Keillor and his "Do you want fries with that?" take on the virtues of being an English Major

Me and the Governator need to have a stern talk. He and his lack of budget skills are complicating my 5 year plan.

If I'm going to get any instructional experience its looking like its going to be out of state and possibly China or S. Korea and that scares me because being American and abroad isn't exactly very smart right now.

My loathing for Mormon Culture and understanding of how diametrically different it is from The Gospel of Jesus Christ grows almost daily (detailed blog to follow). However, people have fairly small lives I'm learning. Insomuch that they get significantly buttered about me creating snarky Facebook Groups and it makes me giggle.

I think I need to keep a notebook of how worse things could be because I hate feeling like this.

I think reading me some Steinbeck could help with that too.

A fairly significent ex (who I am still good friends with) is getting married on April 11th and wants me to come and I'm not sure if I want to. I don't see how it can be a plesant experience. Either the bride will be prettier than me and I'll feel like utter trash the whole time or I'll feel prettier than her and turn into a diva and hate myself for it later. But I'll hate myself, like, for forever if I'm too chickensauce to go. I'm happy for him. I really am. I'm just not sure if its enough to win over my my pride and selfishness. Don't worry - I'm going to go! I know I have to. How can I not? It's just going to be very VERY hard for me. And theres a good chance I'll bitterly weep the whole time for myself. This is a serious cross roads for me. I'm serious. And I have no idea how to prepare for something like this. I would seriously prefer the Spanish Inquisition the more I think about it. But it is what it is.

I'm begining to wonder if there is any honor in an undistinguished life and if I'm doomed to such.

I'm pretty much addicted to this song

This world is really really mean and people pretty much don't care and it's painful. Dreadfully horrible painful.


laurenlou said...

hang in there, liz, or i might have to bust out some michael mclean to cheer you up...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVFrs-rxo98 hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hannah and i are disneylanding weds the 21...COME WITH!!!

Nicole said...

*hugs* I'm not quite sure what to say other than...you're in my prayers. I'm sure HF was something great in store for you, and for some reason he wants to try you with a little patience. I know how frustrating the unemployment scene is. You totally need to stick it to the Governator. As for the wedding, I think I need more details before offering my advice.

Kim said...

Oh, Liz!

I am curious about your diametrically opposed thoughts, so if you want to call and chat through them, or better yet come to lunch with me sometime... not like you currently have anything better to do. :P you could even come do some volunteer work with me at the office if you want to get out of the thoughts zone.

I don't want to offer any meaningless comfort cliches here, but I will say that I think you are absolutely brilliant.

And are you CRAZY? Don't go to that wedding! ;)

Jennette said...

Liz!! Sorry to hear things are going a bit rough. I'm hoping my nearly three month stint of unemployment will be almost over. I had even thought about subbing until my next job, but I had been a bit too optimistic. If you ever need to vent, my phone line or comment box is open. Hang in there!

Shelly! said...

I think Kim said it well - skip that April 11th event. Let's have us a party instead!!

And I hear you on the job thing - even with all my experience I'm hearing thanks but no thanks from places I'm embarrassed to admit I'm applying...

The truth is that you have, even amidst the things you feel you don't, an amazing ability to pull things together. And while some might feel out of control it will all figure out...with some time...

Quixotic Healer said...

Um....did this Mr. So-and-so KNOW what this would do to you? I don't know him, but it sounds kinda selfish.

Plus his Wife may feel a little threatened....I don't know.

I love you! We need to hang sometime SOON.

Ms. Liz said...

Lauren - Thanks honey.I actually watched that and it helped. Mr McLean is like auditory funeral potatoes. He always makes it more manageable. And its on Donkey Kong for D-town next week.

Nickie - Its a LONG story and I'll lay it all out next chat session and patience has never been a strong suit. Like ever and deep down, I know that's the crux of it.

Kimbo - You're so money. If you need help yonder I'm always available. Name the time and place for lunch. I'll cook and we'll picnic :)

Jenettey - You're such a trooper. I seriously don't know how you do it. I'm so proud to have such elegant company on the unemployed bench with me.

Shel - I don't know how you do it but you just make things better and more manageable with a such a few words. You're such a gift. We don't need a wedding ditching party to get together. I miss you tons right now and you're right down the freeway.

Mary - I've never met said ex's fiance but I have more than half a mind that when I do I will introduce myself as "the 1st wife". He is a bit selfish, but in the utterly clueless way. One of the *many* reasons it didn't work.