Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Eye-Rubbingly Pathetic

So I'm one of those slightly manic organized people.
I'll admit it with no scruples whatsoever.

I make lists. I carry lists. I work through lists. I pretty much have, love, and operate through lists.
Some are tangible and some are intangible and one of my important intangible lists is the L's List as previously outlined.

Someone that has a permanent and labeled chair in the Loathe category, right between Political Apathy and Mean Spirited People is Paris Hilton.

The more I hear, see, read or even remotely consider her the more I want to punch a baby.

She makes me embarrassed to be human, female, and American because those are the only things we have in common.

She is seriously everything that is wrong with the human race, Americans, the Upper Class, and painted, bleached, waxed, bulimic, plasticy augmented people.

If you haven't seen the South Park episode "Stupid Spoiled Whore" its Trey and Matt's hilarious ode to Paris and it's the only thing I can think about whenever she comes up. I laugh a little but I still shake my head. Its funny but be forewarned - its an episode that is South Park at its best in a very South Parky South Parkish kind of way.

I read this article today and was having a hard time believing it wasn't on The Onion. I'm pretty sure they heard my eyes roll all the way in Sunnyvale.

What a flaming idiot of a girl. I hate to be hard on my own sex but there you have it.
"We have to get the elephants to stop drinking - that will solve everything"

Dear Paris (or person reading this aloud to Paris because shes only up to G in her alphabet book),

How about getting the hell off of the elephant's land Paris? How about spending your copious amounts of free time and sway with the press to encourage harmonious living in Nature's cross sections? How about endorsing MODERATE LIVING so that the elephants won't need to rampage through villages? That has ripple effect principles you could hang your hat on here in the US as well where we don't necessarily have an encroaching elephant problem but we do have the malignant vacuum of morals in the form drunken people that do just as much intangible damage if not more and then land their whiny cabooses in jail. You should have learned this by now. The alcohol isn't the bloody problem! Its the reasons why they're drinking - both for elephants and for yourself. How about spending 30 seconds and a making a call to your Dad or PR Agent before doing a press release to avoid looking like a pathetically ravingly idiotically sad and hopeless mess of a human being that is SO short sighted she only has a hope for a future as a weather girl that says "its hot".

Get a life Paris
Get an Atlas
Get someone close to you that will be honest with you and isn't intimidated by your hopelessly spoiled character or bank book that will tell you how it is because that's how it is and for that reason only
Get a normal car
Let your hair be it's natural color
Read a book (without pictures preferably)
Go feed the 73 million starving African AIDS orphans instead of judging beauty pageants in Japan
Or call George Clooney and shadow him for a month or two. Now there is a man who has his head on straight and uses his clout for the right reasons in the right way. Help him with raising awareness and funds to prosecute the war crimes in Darfur. And feed the 2.5 million displaced citizens still trying to survive.

Leave the damn elephants alone. If you were visiting I'd get drunk too.

3 comments:

It's just me... said...

Ha ha ha ha!

Paris makes you want to hit a baby. Good lord Liz I cannot stop laughing!

Aren't you just disappointed in the myriad of unintelligent, media whoring, sex-tape making, anorexic, drug addicted 'role' models that our media is flooded with.

I'm so glad that Paris learned so much from her experience in jail and becoming a 'much better person'.

Hannah said...

Drunken Elephants! What would Bagira think? Thank goodness we have someone experienced like Paris to lead the interventions.

playtpus said...

That South Park episode is hilarious! I'm not sure who is wasting more of our precious atmospheric oxygen--Paris or Brittney.